“Unit 4B vs. Gerald”
Danny is leaving his third voicemail for his landlord, Mr. Petrov, about a raccoon living in the walls of his apartment. He wants it dealt with. He has also, it turns out, become deeply attached to it.
Mr. Petrov, hi, it’s Danny in 4B. Third message. I don’t want to be that tenant, but we are now well past the point where a normal person would still be calm, and I am being extremely calm.
There is a raccoon in the walls. Was a raccoon. At this point I’d call him a roommate. He keeps a schedule. Two a.m., he does what I can only describe as cardio.
I named him, Mr. Petrov. You’re not supposed to name them — I know that now. His name is Gerald. And last night Gerald and I made direct eye contact through a hole in the drywall, and something passed between us.
So here’s where I’ve landed. I don’t want him gone-gone. I want him relocated. Humanely. Somewhere with trees and — options. Because I looked into his little face and I saw myself, and I cannot be the guy who evicts himself.
Call me back. Bring the humane trap. And Mr. Petrov — if anything happens to Gerald, I have read my lease, and I have questions.
How to Play It
Objective: get the landlord to act — while secretly protecting the raccoon. The comedy comes from those two wants colliding inside one increasingly sincere voicemail.
The turn: “I named him.” Danny starts as a fed-up tenant and ends as Gerald’s legal advocate. The shift from complaint to loyalty is the whole engine of the piece.
It’s a voicemail — so place Mr. Petrov just off-lens and talk to a real person, not to the room. Play Danny’s feelings about Gerald as completely genuine; the more heartfelt the bond, the funnier the absurdity. Don’t wink at the audience.
Who it suits: a warm comedic actor who can sell earnest over silly. A great one-minute contemporary comedic piece for men, a category that’s thin on legal material.
Want Will to Coach You Through It?
A monologue is a two-person scene where the other person never speaks. Working it 1-on-1 with a working actor is the fastest way to make it land.