“Night Eighty-Nine”
Cam is at a mattress store’s returns counter, addressing the clerk, with a mattress in the truck outside. It’s night eighty-nine of a ninety-night guarantee. Cam wants the refund — and has clearly thought about this far too much.
Hi. I’d like to return a mattress. It’s in the truck outside. I’m going to need two of your strongest people and possibly a prayer.
The website said ninety-night trial. Sleep on it ninety nights, don’t love it, full refund, no questions. I do have questions about the “no questions,” but we’ll get there.
It’s night eighty-nine. I know how that looks. I set an alarm. But I gave it a fair shot. I gave it eighty-eight fair shots.
And somewhere around night sixty, I did start to love it, which is the entire problem — because a mattress you love at full price is a luxury, and a mattress you love that you can return for free is a lifestyle, and I have made a decision about the kind of person I’m going to be.
So — no judgment forming on your face, please, I can see it starting — just process the refund, help me carry my beloved enemy back inside, and, quick question: do you happen to sell this exact mattress? Because I would like to begin a fresh ninety nights. Today.
How to Play It
Objective: get the refund without the clerk pushing back. Cam is over-explaining a completely reasonable transaction, and the more they justify it, the guiltier they sound.
The turn: “I did start to love it.” The confession that they actually adore the mattress flips the logic into cheerful scam, capped by the plan to immediately restart the trial. The self-incrimination is the joke.
Written gender-neutral — plays clean as-is for any actor. Keep it deadpan and reasonable; Cam thinks this is airtight logic. Give the clerk a real, silent presence just off-lens and let their imagined reactions push Cam to keep talking.
Who it suits: a comedic actor with dry delivery and commitment to a bit. A flexible one-minute contemporary comedic piece that works for any gender or type.
Want Will to Coach You Through It?
A monologue is a two-person scene where the other person never speaks. Working it 1-on-1 with a working actor is the fastest way to make it land.